Chennai-based entrepreneur Madan Raj* and his techie wife Vandana Raj*, both in their 30s, are on a popular dating app – together and separately. If this is confusing, you have just been introduced to the world of ethical non-monogamy or ENM as it is popularly called in the online dating stratosphere. Couples date other people on the app with each other’s consent, while remaining transparent with the people they date. Mr. Madan explains, “We were high school sweethearts who got married at a young age. We realized that we wanted to be able to date other people while still being committed to each other.”
ENM, as a concept, has been on the rise among married couples over the last 15 years and the pandemic has become a catalyst not only in Indian metros but also in smaller towns and tier-two cities including Guwahati, Lucknow and Bareilly. As the acronym suggests, ENM refers to couples who are committed to each other as either primary partners or a married couple who open up their marriage/relationship to find other lovers/lovers/partners within the parameters of a mutually agreed upon framework with clear rules and communication guidelines.
“Healthy boundaries, clear communication and mutual respect are the cornerstone of any relationship; and when you open up a marriage or a once-committed monogamous relationship, the need for rules, clarity and communication becomes even more imperative,” says Vidya Jebaraj, a Bengaluru-based marriage counselor who helps couples looking to open up their marriage.
anecdotal stories
One has to rely on surveys conducted by dating apps, the odd research paper, or news articles for more reliable data and statistics on open marriages and relationships. In contrast, the stories of couples in open marriages provide a wealth of insight and wisdom.
Married couples who have successfully explored ENM claim that it has not only helped build trust in the marriage but also added excitement to things, especially when a relationship lasts until it hits difficulties. Selvam Durai*, 40, who lives in Chennai, says, “After a decade of marriage and two children, we tied the knot; our ENM is clearly structured, ensuring there is no impact or hindrance on our lives or the children. This has helped build trust and even made us happier.”
Talking to many young couples in their 20s and 30s in small towns reveals that not just Chennai but cities like Salem, Madurai, Coimbatore and Tiruchi are really conducive for couples exploring ENM. What is also clear from talking to them is that patriarchal dynamics, which are far more strongly established in non-metro cities, enable men to explore ENM more openly. However, women either reluctantly follow them or do not date other men themselves, but reluctantly or sometimes willingly consent to their husbands meeting or dating other women. Of the eight couples interviewed from small towns, only two women felt equally active with their husbands in exploring ENM. Almost no one was willing to share their real name, let alone take a photo, showing that the more things change, the more they stay the same.
A 2022 Bumble study found that 61% of single Indians surveyed were open to exploring ENMs, indicating growing interest in consensual non-monogamous structures. Mumbai-based psychologist Amanpreet Nagpal has seen an increase in polygamous clients over the past five years; They associate this lifestyle with being modern and progressive, although many also seek their help for the emotional complexities and insecurities that often arise in such situations.
Why choose ENM?
Married couples in India adopt ENM for various reasons. Some people discover polygamous tendencies after years of marriage. Others see marriage as providing practical benefits, including legal and societal approval, that go hand in hand with non-monogamy. Of course, there is no set practice – there are great variations. Some couples date separately, others together, and many create a hybrid model that works best for them. Hierarchical arrangements remain common with primary and secondary partners, although couples maintain boundaries that evolve over time through ongoing negotiation.
There is still a lot of stigma surrounding ENM in India, but that doesn’t seem to be stopping its practitioners; But this does mean that most people are discreet about their polyamorous status at work, with family, friends, or even online. Finding housing for openly polyamorous people proves nearly impossible, and women face disproportionate judgment compared to men. Ms. Nagpal sees a lack of emotional foundation in open marriages, with the boundaries of what constitutes a “real” couple becoming blurred. Jealousy, insecurity and fear of rejection come up regularly, she says, requiring significant emotional labor and honest communication.
Progressive court decisions, including the decriminalization of adultery and Section 377, have helped create some acceptance of alternative sexualities and romantic lifestyles, and recognition that family relationships can take non-traditional forms and be functional. However, legal frameworks do not recognize polygamous relationships. There is a history of small but thriving online communities engaged in searching for ENMs in Indian metros, but the real popularity in lived practice points towards smaller towns and cities, where there are greater patriarchal influences for married men to search for ENMs, with the wife also accompanying, most of the time, reluctantly.
Facebook groups like ‘Polyamory India’ and ‘Indian Polyamory and Open Relationships’ exist, while Reddit’s PolyamoryIndia group, while active, remains small. Even mainstream dating apps like OkCupid, Flied, and Bumble now include options to identify as non-monogamous, facilitating connections that prevent awkward revelations and discoveries.
Smaller polyamorous meetings also exist in Chennai, including fortnightly groups addressing loneliness within marriage. Participants support each other in dealing with family pressures, child-rearing, and privacy, viewing polygamy as aspirational rather than mainstream. Niche apps like Flamer and Swingtown make the list of Chennai poly-seekers, indicating a quiet demand in a cultural context that is still largely rigid and conservative, but certainly changing. At the end of the day, ENM exists in a paradoxical bubble among married couples in Tamil Nadu and India in general. There is growing interest and acceptance, as well as the persistent stigma of couples strategically living apart from each other, as modern aspirations keep pace with traditional structures. While the data suggests changing attitudes and openness to new ways of pursuing relationship dynamics, particularly among urban, educated Indians, the actual practice remains largely underground.
Grounding in Polyamory
Arundhati Ghosh’s All Our Love: Travels with Polyamory in India Combining memoir, interviews and critical analysis to explore polyamory – loving multiple people at once with everyone’s consent – in contemporary India. She considers polygamy to be “probably the last existing taboo” in India, where even liberal minds struggle when the singularity of love is challenged.
Ms. Ghosh explores the practical aspects, including overcoming jealousy, managing time between partners, setting boundaries, parenting families, and the emotional labor it requires. In a series of responses to this article (sent via WhatsApp), they noted that it is not just young couples, but also older couples who have been in the same relationship/marriage for decades, who are opening themselves up to ENM, as they seek new and alternative ways of discovering their deepest desires and authentic selves.
Post-pandemic change
The post-pandemic period in India witnessed significant social changes. A 2023 Bumble study revealed that 60% of single Indians are open to consensual non-monogamy. A 2023 Gleeden-IPSOS survey of 1,503 married Indians found that 22% have adopted the notion of being an open couple and are now in a non-monogamous relationship. Dating platforms experienced explosive growth following the COVID-19 pandemic. Gleeden users are expected to grow from 800,000 in 2017 to 2 million by early 2023 and reach 3 million by mid-2025, making India the fifth-largest market globally.
Research points to several factors behind this rise: work-life imbalance that causes dissatisfaction in relationships, social media enabling relationships, progressive court decisions decriminalizing adultery and Section 377; And overall there is greater emotional self-awareness among urban Indians, who have begun to find value in focusing on mental well-being.
Growth is expected to be higher in Indian metros, although tier-2 cities are not far behind. The trajectory shows that ENM in India has evolved from a marginal practice in 2015 to a significant minority phenomenon by 2025, whose acceptance has fueled the pace of actual practice, especially among young, urban, educated populations. The availability of more reliable and centralized data and statistics on ENM may take at least another generation, as stigma and social shame around these new relationship dynamics are still prevalent.
A research paper in 2020 International Journal of Indian Psychology Mental health was compared between polygamous and monogamous individuals and it was found that the former had better mental health. Shobha James, a Bengaluru-based relationship therapist who has worked with over 150 non-monogamous couples, says, “The challenge is not love itself, but navigating a society that doesn’t yet have the vocabulary for it.”
Amaha, a mental health platform, is now providing medical and psychiatric support exclusively to polyamorous couples.
(*names changed)
(Preeti MS is a Chennai-based journalist and radio/podcast producer)
